Really Trying

Hello Everyone,

First the weight and health report.  I am maintaining right around 140 lbs.  My arthritis has been much worse for months and I have begun taking Cymbalta on a trial basis.  My doc gave me enough samples for 3 weeks or so.  Honestly, it doesn't seem to be working any better than the ibuprofen I had been taking. 

I KNOW I feel better all over when I eat nutritious meals and when I am conscious of what I am putting in my body. 

I set out to get my cholesterol down and stop taking the blood pressure meds.  Neither have been accomplished.  After a slight decline, my total cholesterol at last check, in November 2012, went from 249 to 258.  Likewise, my LDL went from 130 to 172 (WTF?) and my HDL went from 71 to 55.  I assume it was my less-than-stellar choice of food while my husband was so sick, as well as the stress of his illness and death, and lack of exercise because I just can't put one foot in front of the other.

I am sorry to say nothing has changed.  I am so sick with grief that I eat whatever presents itself.  In other words, I eat whatever someone brings or whatever is easy to grab from the refrigerator.  Most friends know I do not eat fried foods and I like a lot of vegetables.  But they want to take me out to a restaurant and who knows what's in that food...ugh.  I do keep salad fixings and protein and canned vegetable soups, but I have no desire to prepare a meal to eat alone.  I usually eat one meal per day and eat a piece of fruit, yogurt or canned soup the rest of the time.  I try to drink enough water and take my vitamins.  Which reminds me, I haven't taken them in 2 or 3 days.  Not good.

So much for my health report.

My stress level is still quite high, I'm sure, as I am dealing with business details, insurance, medical bills, probate, figuring out what to do with his clothes and tools...on and on.  I am overwhelmed with running a house alone, maintaining two vehicles alone, decisions to be made alone, as well as facing what were to be my retirement years without him. 

I am quite lonely, and find myself thinking of calling him to share some little something, or to ask him a question, and when I come into the house I expect him to be in his recliner.  After researching grief and widowhood, I find this is normal.  After many years, widows and widowers still expect to hear their spouse's key in the door in the evening, or think for a moment upon waking every morning that they're still there in the bed with them.  I do this every day.  And every day I feel a punch in the stomach that makes me remember he is gone.

One day I will put on my shoes and hit the road for a walk to clear the cobwebs out of my head.  The days are getting longer and the weather is nice enough from time to time.  I know that time is my best friend and it HAS to get easier.  But not yet.

In my research I also learned that you need to let the grief process happen and not try to rush it or skip a stage, because it can hit you even harder later on if you don't experience it now.  That is NOT something I need to happen. 

I am helping myself by making an effort to be with friends, especially those who have been through this.  And to be with people who know me well and that I am comfortable being around.  And I will see a counselor next week, and am joining a grief group within the next month or so. 

Thank you all for checking on me, for leaving messages of encouragement, and for just reaching out to me.  I certainly appreciate each and every gesture.  And please bear with me as I go through this bump in the road.  I am neither the first nor the last to lose a spouse, and I will get through this.  I apologize if this seems like a pity party or a whine-fest.  It is the way it is for me at this time.  But as the title of this post says, I know what I should be doing and am REALLY TRYING to get back to the Jo you knew.

For whatever our individual reasons may be, let's look forward to sunshine and warmer days!