Healing

Hello Everyone,

Not much has changed with me since my last post over a month ago, except that time has passed and I know that time is my best friend to get past the grief.

I am still maintaining my weight at 138 - 140 lbs.  This is still taking no effort, as I do not cook for one, and if I eat at a restaurant I will either take the leftovers with me or leave them on the plate.  I do eat more fruit than I have in quite awhile, probably because it is so portable.  It is so sad to me to sit at the table and eat alone, so most of what I eat can be picked up in one hand or eaten standing at the counter.  My friends are still cooking for me and inviting me out, but have finally begun to understand I am not hungry and am not going to starve.  I do not eat fast food and try to make everything I put in my mouth count as far as nutrition is concerned.  And my medical doctor is well aware of what is going on with me.

I mentioned that I was going to see a grief counselor.  I have done this and she is wonderful.  She understands that my husband was my best friend and soul mate (a term I hated until I lost him and realized how descriptive it was) and how deep I am feeling the loss.  I have a lot of emotional stuff going on, but the thing that I can't seem to get past is anger, and she is helping me with that.  I feel guilty for being angry, and that is a feeding frenzy back and forth.  But I will get through it.

I also mentioned that I was going back to work and I started that 3 weeks ago.  All is going well, considering my state of mind.  Focusing is difficult.  I am only doing this because I believe it will be good for me and that I need to get out.  Working at the oldest and most respected law firm in my small town puts me in contact with many people who are also well-respected and who do a lot of good things for our community.  We handle matters for our share of criminals, but also for the business people of the community, as well as estate planning  and probate for most of the pillars of the community.  That puts me in touch with a good class of people in general.  And these are the people who are helping me with my husband's estate matters, as well as helping me with planning for and transitioning to a future without him.

Next month I am going to the beach with some friends and am so looking forward to that.  We will stay 4 nights and that is enough to rest and get away.  One of them is planning some day trips and I have said to not plan on me for those.  I just need some meditation time away from here and hope it will help clear my brain fog.  That can only be done on the beach, by the pool, or on the balcony.  However, if I feel like doing something they have planned, I will.  But this getaway is all about healing for me.

Thanks to you who have left comments now and again just to say hello and you are thinking of me.  It means a lot when I'm not doing much to keep up my end of the encouragement around here.  Just know that I am fine and am doing what I am advised and feel is right for me.  I will be back, but have found there is no timetable or deadline to the grief process.