Confession: I know full well that stress is absolutely no reason to eat. And I have never responded to stress in this way. For the past week or so, I am eating white frosted pretzels and peanut M&M's. I don't even care that much for sugar. And I feel out of control. I HAVE to stop this, and soon. I am done eating them for today, and tomorrow I will try sugarless gum and more water. Any suggestions? I honestly cannot believe I am letting this happen. I have not weighed, but do not feel I have gained more than 3 or 4 lbs, if that.
Thanksgiving came and went at our house very quietly. Husband slept all day Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Sunday morning I noticed that he had pulled his feeding tube out about 18 inches while he slept. I started trying to get it back in, then realized I shouldn't be doing that. I called the home health nurse and she said take him to the ER to have it X-rayed and replaced, if needed, and that if it was out of place, there was a good possibility that it could be putting the formula into his lungs.
There was no way I could get him into the car and transport him, as he was seemingly semi-conscious, so I called the ambulance for transport. As it turned out, the feeding tube was intact, in place, but he has bronchitis and borderline pneumonia, along with some confusion and electrolyte imbalance. His blood count is still low and he is very prone to infection. They admitted him to the hospital and he is still there. The perfect place to catch something, right? They have done several other tests. He should be dismissed tomorrow or Wednesday.
He is so weak. He cannot get out of bed. The nurses keep asking if we have a hospital bed for him. When I say no, they tell me how badly we need one. He will not agree to it, and I am against it simply because of his perception of it, in that it is a signal (in his mind) that he is not going to get better. They ask if I have any help in taking care of him. When I say no, they suggest the nursing home for a few weeks. My feeling is that yes, I do need help, but just because a person is in a nursing home, it doesn't necessarily mean they are getting good care. I feel that I could hire someone to come in for a couple of hours every day, or as needed, and we would both be better off.
I am so afraid he is going to give up and decide to discontinue treatments. Of course, that is his decision to make, but I am so frightened. He only has 6 more treatments to go, then rest for a few weeks, then surgery to remove the tumor.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring any more. Please continue to pray for us.
I do realize that in order for him to endure major surgery, he will have to get much stronger. I do not know how that is going to happen within the next couple of months.
I apologize for whining or being negative. I am just getting my thoughts down and hoping to find some answers somewhere, and to try to get a grip on myself.
10 comments:
There is absolutely nothing for me to say that does not seem horribly trite or simplistic, so please just know, that I am praying for you as often as God brings you to my mind. I think there are probably few triggers to eating stronger than fear of the unknown and you are certainly dealing with that. The postive thing about hospital care or a nursing home is that there is always someone close by to help. Yes, our system of healthcare isn't perfect, but I do think for the caregiver, that assurance of "help" outweighs fear of not getting adequate care. Do consider that....I sense you growing so weary mentally and physically and your road is far from over. Please consider help!
This is NOT whining. This is a cry for help. I am so sorry this is just so hard and things aren't getting better right now. Right now the pretzels are soothing and calming. Maybe just switch to the regular ones so you are able to keep your hands busy. You have lots of nervous energy right now and that is probably why the eating. Gum is good.
I am praying Jo, that you both get stronger and make it though this very difficult time.
There are many places that will send in help for a couple/few/lots of hours a day so ask at the hospital and they will take care of the paperwork and get you some. It's not saying you can't do this, it's saying I want to do this a bit better.
Take care Jo. Keep plugging along. Blessings my friend!
(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
keeping you in my prayers
Oh Jo! I'm Praying hard for you and your husband.
Maybe explain to him that a hospital bed would make it easier for YOU to lift him up and down? That is isn't a permanent fixture in your home, that the bed is rented. (Which it is! Rented, that is.) For your own peace (and back muscles) and for his safety, this may be the one time you need to disagree with your husband and just go ahead and make arrangements for the bed. I don't say this lightly, as I appreciate His reasoning for not wanting one and your support for his decision.
Huge ((hugs)) to you. You're doing a great job holding it all together.
And Jo? Throw the pretzels and candy away...in the neighbor's trash can.
Hugs and prayers to you Jo!!! Please please ask for help!! It does not show weakness on your part!! It shows that you need your rest so you can be strong for him!! The hospital bed, you can rent it, not purchase it. It was a lifesaver for us for the three months we needed it!!
Oh, Jo, this isn't a whine. You need help. You need someone. A friend, a nurse you hire to come in, volunteers from the hospital, something. You are human, and you need help with all of this, and that is expected considering everything going on! I don't know which option is the answer for you two, but you have to get some help in there for your own sake. *hugs*
I think you said earlier that it was going to be bad while the chemo was going on, and then better right? Is this just the seriously rough patch of road, and after the Chemo it'll lessen a bit? Or is it more serious than that?
Take care of yourself, Jo!
Jo, Big hugs to you and to hubby. You have been through so much all ready with only more to look forward to in the near future. I will be hoping and praying that he gets stronger and is ready when it is time to have the surgery. I don't know for sure what I would do in your place. I hate nursing homes and couldn't bring myself to do that but hiring someone to come in for a few hours a day sounds like a good idea. i am a firm believer in keeping and ill person in familiar surroundings to promote healing and comfort. I know he would rather be at home with you if you can manage the expense.
Hang in there, my friend. God always has a plan and sometimes it doesn't come to fruition until the eleventh hour.
Ditto the sentiments offered by your other friends. I am praying for you, hubs and your care givers. The doctor might be able to help get a nurse in. Ask. If he requires it, your insurance (if you have it) is more likely to cover it. If not they will tell you (or the home health people will). Make sure to get your flu and pneumonia shot if you haven't already. Same req't for friends come over.
I know you have to be tired in every way... depleted. I know it does not mean diddly really, but I think about you all the time Jo. Bless you sweetie.
Thank you for keeping us informed, Jo. My heart is with you and your beloved.michele
Hi Jo, I'm stopping over from Sharon's. Sending prayers and hugs to you from New York.
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